{"id":581,"date":"2005-05-13T03:50:00","date_gmt":"2005-05-13T08:50:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/flaminggeeks.com\/k\/blog\/2005\/05\/13\/\/"},"modified":"2005-10-16T02:12:20","modified_gmt":"2005-10-16T06:12:20","slug":"ff7-gameblog-part-the-first","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/flaminggeeks.com\/k\/blog\/2005\/05\/13\/ff7-gameblog-part-the-first\/","title":{"rendered":"FF7 Gameblog Part the First"},"content":{"rendered":"
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We begin with a group of people out to cause some trouble. Our Hero, at loose ends, has joined up with this group for fun and profit. Unfortunately for him, it’s going to turn out to be very unfun and, since they all live in the slums, not all that profitable either. But Cloud<\/strike>Harry knows none of that yet. He joins the leader of our gang of do-gooder terrorists, a giant, overly emotional man named Barrett<\/strike>Hagrid. Hagrid is suspicious of Harry’s motives, but he is forced to permit the boy to join his team, as otherwise the game would have no plot.<\/p>\n

The rag-tag group is on their way to destroy a Mako Reactor, owned by the Evil Corporate Empire Sony<\/strike>Shinra. All goes well and the group escapes back to the slums from whence they came. There we discover that Harry has gotten involved with all of this through a friend of his, a girl named Tifa<\/strike>Hermione. Hermione is very keen to save the House Elves<\/strike> planet and has several bones to pick with Shinra. Buoyed by their success at blowing up the first reactor, the group decides they will take out another one. Hermione’s boobs<\/strike> rousing speech convinces the newly paid Harry to come along for the action.<\/p>\n

Unsurprisingly, Shinra has got the wind up after the first explosion, and this effort doesn’t come off according to plan. During a disasterous escape attempt, Harry falls what looks to be several hundred feet and is saved only by the cushiony softness of a church roof(!), the ground(!!) and a bed of flowers(!!!). A girl messing about with the aforementioned flowers is startled by his abrupt arrival and, impressed by his lack of injury, promptly engages him as her bodyguard. The girl, who we’ll call Lily, since the one thing FF7 was missing was a lot of disturbing incestuous subplots amongst the good guys (the bad guys already have their fair share), needs Harry’s help to escape from some guys who want to kidnap her.<\/p>\n

The pair escape and Harry brings Aeris<\/strike> Lily back to her house. At which point she decides there was no reason to do that, because she’s going to go along with him. So what was the point?<\/p>\n

Harry reluctantly (as if he had a choice) permits Lily to accompany him back to the section of the slums where Hagrid’s group has its headquarters. But just before they reach the place, they are surprised to see Hermione, all tarted up, heading off in the back of a cart.<\/p>\n

They give chase. A plan is formed to rescue Hermione from the clutches of the lecherous mobster: Harry will become a hot chick and distract him! Our problem: Harry does not look much like a hot chick in his current outfit. In fact, one might argue that he doesn’t look much like a chick at all. So poor Harry must then endure many arduous tasks as he attempts to put together his costume. He participates in a squat thrust competition. He passes out pharmecuticals to random strangers. He purchases porn for reluctant shopkeepers. He has group sex with half a dozen very large men in a hot tub. For the curious, this fic can no doubt be found on ff.net<\/a>.<\/p>\n

And after all of this effort, Harry is rewarded with a costume in which he sort of looks like a woman but mostly just looks like a boy in a retarded outfit. But for some reason the mobster finds him sexay and selects him instead of the two real girls presented for his viewing pleasure (Lily and Hermione). Harry is then whisked away to the man’s bedroom where many things occur until the two are interrupted in a kiss by Lily and Hermione’s arrival to rescue Harry. The pair are leery of finding out what has transpired.<\/p>\n

In the end, Our Heroes escape and head back to where Hagrid and his gang are waiting. But the happy reunion is not to be: in retaliation for the earlier terrorist activity, Shinra has decided to destroy a large section of the slums. Hagrid and his crew fight valiantly against the Shinra employees, but even with Harry’s help, their failure is inevitable. Harry and his friends escape with their lives, but Lily is kidnapped by Shinra.<\/p>\n

Next: Lily is Rescued! Draco Appears!<\/p>\n

[Ed: *cries* I hate blogger so much. This is the second post it’s eaten in as many
tries. I really need to change. I hate retyping.]<\/p>\n

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We begin with a group of people out to cause some trouble. Our Hero, at loose ends, has joined up with this group for fun and profit. Unfortunately for him, it’s going to turn out to be very unfun and, since they all live in the slums, not all that profitable either. But CloudHarry knows […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[11,10],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/flaminggeeks.com\/k\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/581"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/flaminggeeks.com\/k\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/flaminggeeks.com\/k\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flaminggeeks.com\/k\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flaminggeeks.com\/k\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=581"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/flaminggeeks.com\/k\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/581\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/flaminggeeks.com\/k\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=581"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flaminggeeks.com\/k\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=581"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flaminggeeks.com\/k\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=581"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}